The $20,000 bag. Priceless.

What? For me? Really?

I’m still in shock. Good things can happen to me at the RE’s office after all. It’s hard to believe.

This morning in the waiting room, my nerves were unraveling by the second. The more I tried to block out the memories of my scans from IVF 1.0 and IVF 2.0, the more I kept recalling that ominous click and measure sound as Dr. IVF zoomed in on my uterus, measuring and searching and always coming up short. IVF 1.0 we saw a tiny flicker of a heartbeat, and a baby measuring three days behind, but the heartbeat was faint and it wasn’t loud enough to hear. At our second scan it was gone. IVF 2.0, the click and measure found a only a small gestational sac. No heartbeat. I couldn’t bear the thought of hearing that click and measure again, reminding me of these memories, so I put in headphones, closed my eyes, and told Dr. IVF and Mr. T to wake me up when it was over- or when we had good news.

In went Mr. Wandy, and I tried to think happy thoughts. Almost right away, Dr. IVF was telling me to open my eyes.

Me, still not daring to open my eyes:

“Really? Are you sure it’s good news?”

Dr. IVF: “Yes! See that- right there? That flicker is the heartbeat.”

Me: “But don’t you have to click and and zoom in to really see it? Are you sure that’s it?”

Was there anyone ever so stubborn to believe in good news?

Then she turned on the sound. All at once the room was filled with a beating heart. My baby’s heart. We could hear it. She could measure it. 126 beats per minute.

Still clutching Mr. T’s hand in a death-grip, I finally relaxed and began to cry. It was real. Mr. Wandy was barely out and I was already hugging Dr. IVF and our nurse, the embarrassed new intern looking on. I tried to explain to him how much we’ve been through to get to this point- and realized it didn’t matter. Our nurse was crying, too- telling me for the first time that she knows how I feel- that she too has a “miracle baby.” That every day she looks at him and can’t believe he’s real.

Dr. IVF gave me a gift bag that says “Congratulations” on it. It’s a pregnancy book she helped edit.

This is all surreal. As Dr. IVF extends the gift, I still felt like there must be a mistake. Hold up! Are you sure you want to congratulate me now? Are you sure you have the right lady? This pregnancy books is for ME?

It is.

Tagged: first ultrasound, Invitro Fertilization, IVF, miscarriage, Recurrent pregnancy loss