A Letter to Myself in Tomorrowland

What will I find in crazy ride of Tomorrowland?

Dear Jess,

I know you’ve had some low moments over the last two weeks, but I’m proud of how you’ve managed your fear. You stopped looking for symptoms, you took a break from Twitter and thinking about IVF 24 hours a day, you’ve even managed to get some work done. At moments you’ve dared to be hopeful, as scary as that feeling can be. Overall, you’ve maintained your sanity (And yes, I recognize I sound a bit crazy writing to myself in the third person right now.)

Tomorrow you’ll have either seen a happy little baby heartbeat, or not. Either way, I want to remind you that it WILL be ok.

If you don’t get happy news:

  • I won’t lie to you. It will be rough. But you’ve survived this before and I know you will again.
  • You haven’t told anyone about this try- so you don’t have to worry about the stress of sharing bad news. Just you and Mr. T and your friends here who know.
  • You told your office that you might be working from home after your appointment. Go home and try to get some work done from there if you can.
  • There’s nothing wrong with a little escape from reality. Make a movie date (make it a funny one) with Mr. T for Wednesday night.
  • Those bottles of wine you bought with Mr. T before IVF 3.0? They are waiting for you. Enjoy them with some soft cheese too.
  • I’ve already booked you a hair appointment for the next day- so enjoy a new look.
  • You have a trip to San Francisco planned with Mr. T this weekend to meet up with friends. I know you might not want to go, but it will be good for you to get away for the weekend.
  • Look forward to a summer without IVF treatments. Plan that hiking trip to Mt. St. Helens and Mt. Hood that you’ve been meaning to do for years now. Look forward to the beach weekend and the hot tub you can now indulge in.
  • Get those new running shoes and pick a race for the end of the summer. You can run as far and as fast or as slow as you want now. Enjoy it.
  • Schedule that massage you purchased on Social Living.
  •  I know you won’t want to try again, but when you are ready, after you have gone to counseling and taken the time to get second opinions, prepare to give it one last try with the two frozen embryos left from IVF 1.0.
  • Remember: you will be a mother one way or another. You baby might be on the way right now- someplace across the world. It’s time to start looking into adoption and deciding where you will find your baby.
  • Know that you aren’t going through this alone. You have Mr. T and so many friends here who have been through this too.
If you DO see a heartbeat, there’s only one thing I want you to do:
  • Enjoy every minute of your pregnancy. I know the wait until the next ultrasound will be scary too, but remember that you thought for sure this baby was already gone, so don’t worry if you don’t feel symptoms. This time it WILL be different.
Wishing the best for you in Tomorrowland, but I know whatever happens, you will be ok.

12 thoughts on “A Letter to Myself in Tomorrowland

  1. Michele May 10, 2011 at 7:45 am Reply

    I have been checking ur blog periodically and I’m happy to see this post. Everything WILL be ok 1 way or another. U r a strong woman and it deems u have an equally strong, loving man supporting u 100% of the way!! We r all here for u!! Many hugs coming ur way! I’m saying my prayers for u n ur LO!


  2. Dead Cow Girl May 10, 2011 at 7:47 am Reply

    Excellent letter. I have been thinking about you and hope you see a nice strong heart beat in there tomorrow.

  3. Moon May 10, 2011 at 7:51 am Reply

    Wishing you all the best for tomorrow, I hope you see your little miracle.
    Stay strong xx

  4. missohkay May 10, 2011 at 8:48 am Reply

    I am so proud of how well you’re handling things. Good luck tomorrow. We’re all with you!

  5. Woman Warrior May 10, 2011 at 9:33 am Reply

    What a beautiful blog post. Wishing you all the best tomorrow. You have been in my thoughts and I hope you get everything you have ever wanted!

  6. Serendipitie May 10, 2011 at 9:37 am Reply

    <3. I think your letter is amazing, and I hope beyond hope that all you really have to read is the very last part. xoxo

  7. babymakingdiary May 10, 2011 at 9:49 am Reply

    An amazing letter, I hope & pray it’s only that very last point you have to think about. Sending love & strength, will be thinking of you xx

  8. unfertilized May 10, 2011 at 9:52 am Reply

    Hi Jess,
    Wonderful letter. I’ve been thinking about you and hope that you have the best possible news tomorrow.

  9. Brave IVF Girl May 10, 2011 at 3:05 pm Reply

    Hoping tomorrow brings you good news. 🙂

    Are you busy all weekend in San Francisco? I’ll be up in the city on Saturday and could meet you for coffee or something if you have time.

    • Jess May 10, 2011 at 9:32 pm Reply

      I would love that! I’ll be in touch about my schedule and hopefully we can find a time.

  10. Jess May 10, 2011 at 9:33 pm Reply

    Thanks again for all the support, everyone. It makes it so much easier to bear, whatever happens, knowing that you’ll be there with me in Tomorrowland.

  11. kellykate21 May 11, 2011 at 6:50 am Reply

    This was a beautiful letter to yourself! I just started following your journey and am hoping for the best today.

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