When I left the house this morning, I consciously left the music on. I didn’t want to come home to a quiet house if we got bad news today.
I’ll skip right to the good news here- it turns out I didn’t have to worry about that.
Mr. T and I arrived at the clinic late, and had a bit of a wait. In the waiting room, we looked out the panoramic windows at the city, and all the buildings and the new bridge going up across the river- marveling at all the changes in the city since we were first there as new patients five years ago. It’s strange to think that during all that building, our little embroys were sitting here frozen in time.
Finally we were called in to see my favorite of all my wonderful doctors at the clinic- Dr. A. She’s the one who did our ultrasound for our last miscarriage- and for our daughter. At IVF 3.0, I had such PTSD from the click and measure sounds of the ultrasounds in the past, always measuring and coming up short, missing heartbeats- that I had to wear headphones and listen to music to stay calm, squeezing my eyes to block everything out until Dr. A told me it was ok to look. That day in May 2011 was a good day.
Today, Mr. T and I held hands tightly as she prepared the ultrasound and “Mr. Wandy.” For a long time Dr. A didn’t say anything- and I was starting to think it was bad news again. Then she turned the screen toward us.
“Wow!” I laughed in surprise- wonder-struck by what I saw.
Mr. T, not so versed in the ways of ART and ultrasounds- looked at me puzzled.
“It looks like two…” Dr. A said. “And a third one… but that one looks empty.”
I wish I could have captured the look on Mr. T’s face just then. I know most people when they hear we are doing IVF expect that means twins or more- but in three pregnancies- with six embryos- we only had singletons each time- and as you know, all but one pregnancy ending in miscarriage.
Dr. A clicked and zoomed in. “let’s call this one baby A…” she said, as I instantly fell in love with baby A. She clicked and zoomed in. She measured and I tried not to notice that the measurements looked behind date. But she turned on the sound and there it was- Baby A’s heartbeat, filling the room. 114 beats per minute. Mr. T and I grinned like fools at each other- at the sound that we will never take for granted.
The Dr. A adjusted the wand. “And here’s baby B…” And I fell in love with Baby B. Again, baby B seemed to my untrained eye as small for date. I mentioned this, but she said not to worry – that measurements could vary up to 5 days at this point. I wasn’t so sure about that- but when she turned on the sound, and we heard Baby B’s heartbeat- 101 beats per minute. So beautiful.
At 6 weeks, 2 days- Dr. A assured me this was good. But of course, that it was still early. (Subtext- anything can happen- as we all know.)
She zoomed in on the third mysterious object, confirming it was empty (to my great relief.) We had only transferred two, but one might have split. (I initially worried about transferring two during IVF 1 since there are twins on my mother’s side of the family, and ending up with triplets is a scary proposition.)
But the joy of this moment- seeing our family expanding in ways we never thought would happen- is more than I can describe right now.
Dr. A printed out three pictures- one of Baby A, one of Baby B, and one of the two together. I clutched the photos as we left the exam room, beaming and hugging the nurses I knew who we passed in the halls.
As I write this, I keep pausing just to look at the picture again. Just looking at the printout now- I’m so head over heals for these babies already. I know twins won’t be easy (if we are lucky enough to meet them both) but I’m so grateful for today.
Dr. A said she wants to see us again next week. By then we’ll be 7 weeks, two days. I hope.
Thanks to everyone who held my hand over the past month. Finding the courage to do this transfer wasn’t easy. So grateful to have your support- in whatever comes next.