Kick me Baby

When I was about to embark on IVF round 1, I met with a woman who had been through several rounds of IVF before finally having success. She told me how the experience changed her forever, how hard it was on her marriage, that it took a high emotional and physical toll and that she still had moments of sadness- but that she’d do it all again in an instant for her three boys.

Her story terrified me. It had a happy ending yes, but I didn’t want to change.  I wanted to believe that pregnancy would instantly banish all the sadness and raw emotion that comes with surviving a journey through infertility. That I’d have a baby and go on being my happy self.

Well, I’m over 20 weeks pregnant now, but I’m not “cured.”  I worry- a lot- even though I constantly promise Mr. T and you all that I’m done worrying. The saddest part is that I’ve been afraid to let myself love this little one too fiercely, to be too happy. I’ve loved and lost before. I can’t bear another heartbreak.

So sad isn’t it? I won’t admit this to anyone in real life- only to myself here and to you all.

But this week, for the first time, I felt baby kick. Not just a little flutter that could be indigestion or gas, but a full forceful series of kicks. I shouted to Mr. T who came running from downstairs, afraid something terrible had happened. (Maybe I’m not the only one in our marriage who is always afraid of the worst.) T put his hands on my tummy where I had felt the kicks, and sure enough, baby responded with another kick.

Laughing (and crying a little bit), I hugged my belly and my husband. With each kick I felt like I was waking up and coming back to life.  This was real. This tiny little person, who started life as an embryo in a dish, the only survivor of 14 eggs and 7 embryos, was here with us, kicking so that we could both feel it.

I needed that kick.

I’m not the same person I was before the three rounds of IVF, before my losses, before this pregnancy. Sometimes I don’t like how I’ve changed, that I’ve exchanged some of my carefree optimism for cynicism. But worrying doesn’t mean I’m weak. It means I’m becoming a mother. I’ll take that.

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7 thoughts on “Kick me Baby

  1. Finding My New Normal August 18, 2011 at 7:33 am Reply

    It’s amazing to feel that baby moving around and kicking. Embrace this time as much as you can.

  2. unfertilized August 18, 2011 at 7:52 pm Reply

    Lovely post! So happy you’re feeling the baby kick. And I think you’re totally right – the worry won’t go away, but it does make you a mother 🙂

  3. Moon August 19, 2011 at 3:56 am Reply

    Aww so pleased you felt the baby kick 🙂
    Worrying definitely does not make you weak and with everything you have been through it has made you who you are today, we learn and grow from our experiences and I think you should be very proud of who you are.
    Moonie xx

  4. Brave IVF Girl August 21, 2011 at 6:37 pm Reply

    Insightful post. How fun to feel the kicks. 🙂

  5. myTTCstory August 26, 2011 at 7:25 am Reply

    How amazing to feel that kick. I think you’ve got a considerate one in there! I hope you can start to relax and enjoy your pregnancy – but who am I kidding!

    Take care,
    MyTTCstory xx

  6. Susy_Sama August 28, 2011 at 7:43 pm Reply

    Loved your post, as always… there’s something about your raw honesty and poetic, heart-felt writing style that moves me every single time. I’m so thrilled at the thought of the tiny survivor inside of you (a future soccer player, maybe?) kicking and moving as if to reassure you s/he’s there, growing, fighting Nature’s odds. Such an awe-inspiring experience. All the best! XXXOOO Su

  7. The EcoFeminist July 28, 2016 at 5:31 pm Reply

    This is years after you wrote this but being 8 weeks along after my 4th round of DEIVF and feeling that worry, you put it into words so well as to what’s going on in my heart and the worries my husband and I have been feeling, even (for us) after the first ultrasound which, even with a heartbeat, left us pretty much shrugging with “well, who knows” rather than excitement. Thank you.

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