Back Through the Looking Glass

Through the Looking Glass of IVF: curiouser and curiouser

IVF can be scary and overwhelming at the start- it’s all new and crazy and impossible. But it’s also an exciting time, filled with moments of wonder: THIS could be the injection that makes the egg that makes the baby, THIS could be the egg that meets with Mr. T’s sperm, THIS could be the embryo that becomes my baby.

The second time through IVF, it’s nerve-wracking, but no longer as scary. At this point, you’re a veteran who knows the ropes but still has a good sense of optimism. THIS time it will work, right?

And the third time- well- I’m still thinking how I feel about this one.  I’m still shocked that I’m here.

I know I’m lucky to have the chance to try again. I got amazingly good news from my FSH test last week- thanks to my regimen of wheatgrass, C0Q10, DHEA, Folgard, Yoga, acupuncture and who knows what else- my FSH is now below 10, which means that my “Shared Risk” program won’t drop me after all.  So the cost of another cycle is covered- other than the drugs- and I’m so grateful for that.

But if I let myself think about it, I’m not sure I’m ready to face the emotional rigors of IVF-and the possibility of a third loss. I’ve been feeling so good. I’ve had a chance reacquaint myself with “All Natural Jess”, and remembered how nice and happy she is.

It’s not so much the effect of the hormones that gets to me- although I’m sure they don’t help. It’s the fact that my moods are tied to the numbers of follicles we see at each appointment, always measuring myself by the numbers I get back each afternoon from blood work, scheduling my life around the twice daily injections, the uncertainty of if and when we’ll have retrieval and transfer. And the raging battle with hope that goes up and down each day, throughout everything I do, following me even in my dreams.

But I took the first pink pill last week- which means I’m in the “suppression” stage, according to my IVF protocol, which seems appropriate from an emotional state as well. I’m on my way to starting the “stim” drugs next week, still in disbelief that I’m about to start this all again. I look around at my life that I’ve rebuilt since IVF 1 and 2, after those two losses, and try to hold onto the fact that no matter what happens, I can step back through the looking glass, and still find myself, the “real Jess.”

As Alice says after falling down the Rabbit Hole: “Well, after this I should think nothing of falling down stairs.”

And I know that one day, one way or another, I’ll read Alice in Wonderland to my children, and the wise words of the Queen:

Alice laughed. “There’s no use trying,” she said: “one can’t believe impossible things.”
“I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

So that’s what I’ll do. I’ll walk back through the looking glass and believe in all the impossible, wonderful things to come.

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13 thoughts on “Back Through the Looking Glass

  1. myTTCstory March 18, 2011 at 3:27 pm Reply

    Oh Jess, I’m so glad you had the chance to be your true self before this cycle. Treatment is all-consuming and it’s really hard to remember the person you were before it all began.

    Wishing you loads and loads of luck for this cycle.

    Hugs,
    MyTTCstory xx

    • Jess March 19, 2011 at 5:09 am Reply

      So true- helps so much to know I’m not alone in that feeling. Thank you for all the luck- I really will need it- and your support- through the next month. xxx

  2. Jessica March 18, 2011 at 4:24 pm Reply

    I love that. I’m going to write that down in my classroom as a reminder 🙂 You are going into this with the right mindset. Sending loads of hope and optimism your way!!

    • Jess March 19, 2011 at 5:07 am Reply

      Thank you- I need all the hope & optimism that I can get! I love that quote too. Makes me smile every time.

  3. Brave IVF Girl March 18, 2011 at 6:52 pm Reply

    I know just what you mean… It’s hard to go back into the fray, knowing how previous cycles turned out, and hoping this one is it. And it does help a lot to have breaks in between to rediscover yourself and break out of the appointment-to-appointment mentality that cycles encourage.

    I’m rooting for you!

    • Jess March 19, 2011 at 5:06 am Reply

      I know you’ve been here too, friend. We have had very similar infertility journeys. I’m inspired by your strength to keep going too.

  4. Serendipitie March 18, 2011 at 11:02 pm Reply

    Through the looking glass is better than never knowing what you could find back there! Your FSH number was seemingly impossible, and see what happened there? I have high hopes for you! xoxo

    • Jess March 19, 2011 at 5:03 am Reply

      Great point- thank you! I get by with a little help from my friends- I really do have you to thank. Thank you!

  5. sunnymama March 18, 2011 at 11:10 pm Reply

    Thinking of you and hoping with all my heart that this is the one. 🙂 xxx

    • Jess March 19, 2011 at 5:02 am Reply

      Thank you so much. Hearing you say that makes it somehow seem possible. Means so much to me to have your support no matter what happens though. xxx

  6. Moon March 20, 2011 at 9:38 pm Reply

    Hey cycle buddy! So glad you got to see a bit of ‘All Natural Jess’, I hope that gives you strength for this next cycle. Great news about the FSH levels too . . . I hope this is a sign of more good things to come for you . . . you have to believe that one day wonderful things will come. I’m keeping my fingers, toes, legs and arms crossed for us both 🙂
    Moon x

  7. Michele March 21, 2011 at 3:01 pm Reply

    Hey Jess, just wanted to stop by your blog and wish u luck for ur upcoming cycle! I will b here to cheer u on in every way!!

    • Jess March 22, 2011 at 4:46 am Reply

      Thanks so much, Michele! Wishing YOU luck too!

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