The universe of my uterus

The mysteries of my universe/ uterus

I got to see my empty uterus again last week.

I always imagined that the first time I saw my uterus, there would be a growing baby in there. I thought the doctor would spread that jelly on my belly and place that device on my tummy and we’d all look up at the screen and say “Oooooh..” It would be a teary and memorable moment, seeing that new life growing inside me for the first time.

Instead, I’ve had regular dates with my empty uterus over the past year. It’s been quite an education. I’ve learned that these exams are not just with the jelly on the belly device, but with that now-familiar wandy, poking around inside. Up on the big screen, we see my empty uterus, the doctors examining its size and shape, checking things like its pattern (tripple stripe is a good day), looking for unidentified objects, checking the thickness of the lining and on two sad occasions, looking for a baby in there.

Of course I wish that it wasn’t empty. But to be honest, from the first time I saw my uterus, I was was in awe. It’s such a deep and mysterious universe, orbited by the little planets of my ovaries and follicles. When I look at it, somehow even after my losses, I still feel optimistic. The universe is so vast, how could their not be room for life in there someday, some way? That’s what it’s there for, right?

After our losses, everyone told me not to blame myself. I desperately wanted to blame someone or something, but having gazed into the depths of my uterus, I couldn’t blame that beautiful part of myself. As far as I’m concerned, even if I never have a baby, it’s still the 8th wonder of the world.

When we discussed all the possible RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) tests, our doctor recommended that I have another Saline Sonohystogram to examine my uterus even more closely. I was puzzled- haven’t we all seen enough of my uterus to know it’s not the problem? Aren’t they as impressed with it as I am? But, anxious to find the guilty party in these losses, I made the appointment just to be sure.

So I went in and paid another $350 for them to fill my uterus with saline fluid and look around again. The doctors waved their magic wand around in there, and within minutes, said that everything looked “fine.”

“Fine?” Is that all they had to say about that deep and mysterious part of myself? For my $350 couldn’t they at least give me the satisfaction of pretending to admire it more closely? And still, the question remains- will this universe with all its wonders ever support new life?

Of course I hope it will. But either way, I’m proud of my uterus and I know it’s wonderful. In fact, I might even make it my Facebook picture. Take that, fertile friends. I have a uterus too- and it’s a beauty even without a baby in it.


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9 thoughts on “The universe of my uterus

  1. sunnymama February 3, 2011 at 12:47 pm Reply

    Your writing is beautiful (as I’m sure your uterus is too!) and very moving. So pleased to have found your blog. 🙂

    • Jess February 3, 2011 at 4:35 pm Reply

      That makes my day- thank you! So encouraging to hear your story. I hope I’ll be a sunny mama one day too. 🙂

  2. babymakingdiary February 3, 2011 at 5:52 pm Reply

    Agree – this is a great post. How dare they not appreciate your uterus more 🙂 Hope it’s not long til you get to see your baby in there x

    • Jess February 5, 2011 at 3:49 am Reply

      Thank you, Juno. Hoping we all get to see our uteri occupied soon. Uteri unite!

  3. Vicky February 6, 2011 at 3:59 am Reply

    I love this and think you should frame a picture of your uterus 😉 It’s amazing how much more we learn about our bodies through this process, and it has also left me in awe at times.

    Thank you for your lovely writing!

    • Jess February 6, 2011 at 6:48 am Reply

      Thanks, Vicky! It amazes me too- I try and focus on the wonder of it all instead of blaming my body, which could be so easy to do. Next time I go for a look at my uterus, I will ask for a picture. Why should only the expectant moms get those anyway, right? 🙂 Thanks for reading.

  4. unfertilized March 13, 2011 at 10:42 pm Reply

    Beautiful post Jess, very moving!

  5. irrevspeckay September 24, 2013 at 6:35 am Reply

    Thought you might find this poem of mine interesting given the theme of this post:

    • Jess September 24, 2013 at 10:41 pm Reply

      Lovely poem. Thank you so much for sharing it.

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